Why You Choose Your Partner and What Your Marriage/Committed Relationship is Trying to Teach You

People think they chose their ♡Beloveds because they are soft, gentle, loving…or maybe strong, dependable, intelligent….. playful, free-spirited, spontaneous….or generous, thoughtful, spiritual or perhaps good-looking, handsome, has a great body, sexy, gorgeous……..

You know all those noteworthy qualities we place at the head of our lists when we think about what to look for in our ideal partner.

But the part of our brain that comes up with all these wonderful qualities is unfortunately NOT the part of us that chooses our partners!

There is a hidden reason you picked your partner and a hidden agenda in love relationships.

Many theories of relationship include this idea.

Let me share with you a perspective or a way of looking at relationships that will significantly influence the way you see the world and all your relationships. It is a synthesis of many theories:

1. Relationships have an unconscious purpose which is to get the needs met that weren’t met as we were growing up.

2. Every living thing has embedded within it a “blueprint” for what it will become as an adult. For humans this blueprint involves accomplishing certain developmental tasks at specific stages during childhood.

All children go through STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT and the first four stages are the most formative. They are:

• • 1. ATTACHMENT where the primary job is for the baby to be attached and close and bonded to their parents/care-givers….where they feel emotional security and safety.
  • 2. EXPLORATION when they start to move away and explore the world and learn it is OK to be separate knowing their parent is available and present when they come back.
  • 3. The IDENTITY Stage is where the child ‘tries on’ all kinds of identities and ways of being and asserting who they uniquely are and the parent is supportive of their different choices.
  • 4. The COMPETENCE Stage is where the focus is on learning how to do tasks and achieve things. Failing and being allowed to try again with the parent offering instructions and guidance and valuing achievement. The healthy outcome is a sense of personal power to achieve.

Everyone goes through these stages.

Since most people have had less-than-perfect childhoods and have been around less-than-perfect care-givers, most people have needs that were not met as they went through these various Stages and have developmental tasks that were not completely accomplished. This leads to what are called in popular psychology “childhood wounds” or ‘baggage’.

These “wounds” are simply needs that have not been met in childhood.

And these needs have not been met by their parents for many reasons, many of which are not conscious and intentional. Most parents do the best they can given the learning they have had, and are usually acting the way they do because of how their parents treated and taught them.

3. Another part of the relationship “blueprint” we have inside us is an image or a picture or a template of –

the way someone who loves and cares for us will treat us and the way we will respond to them and treat them.

This image is made up of both the positive and negative traits of the people who influenced us in our formative years. This is especially up till about six to seven years old.

From earliest childhood, our brains are actually formed and wired according to what is repeated in the environment around us. Whatever is reoccurring over and over and modeled to us becomes our perception of who we are and what we can expect from people in the world.

This is backed up by scientific research on the brain which shows that the neural pathways that are at the basis of our behaviour are formed in relation to the people that are significant to us as we are growing up.

Caretakers are most crucial in influencing and shaping the child’s developing self-image and world-image.

Whatever is fired over and over gets wired.

Our brain is in fact, “hard-wired” to sabotage our significant relationships by ‘creating’ in our lives the very things that we grew up not wanting!! 

Question for you:  What were the models of behaviour and ♡LOVE and caring that you were exposed to and influenced by as you were growing up? It is important to be curious about and to explore and be aware of this in yourself and your partner/’the other’.

4. So the result is unknowingly, we are drawn to and select partners who are like our parents/primary care-givers….. Partners who will have both the positive and the negative characteristics of the people who raised us. The image or template inside us is the basis that we unconsciously chose from.

Our unconscious has been programmed since we were born so that we are attracted to, and partner with, someone who has a synthesis of the characteristics that were around us as were growing up which can feel like our ‘worst nightmare’!!

5. The consequence is our partners will be UNSKILLED in helping us to get those important unmet needs met!  Everyone brings that agenda to all their adult relationships.

6. And this unconscious agenda is why relationships can shift from the place of deepest ♡LOVE to total negativity and pain and unhappiness in the space of seconds. Your partner just “turned into” your father/brother/mother/uncle/other significant people……And you swore you would never chose a husband or wife or partner like that!!!…

And as well as their actions hurting and frustrating you and creating pain and unhappiness in the present, it reminds you of all the times you didn’t get your needs met and how hurt you felt in the past, whether you remember the link or not.

There is also an element of betrayal in times of conflict, as in the early Romantic Stage when we are ‘blind’ to the negative characteristics, we think we have finally found someone who is going to meet our needs and ♡LOVE us in the way we have always longed for.