LOVE TIP – Tuesday July 10th, 2012

Hello dear Friends

I’m mulling over ideas to write about relationships and the Gift they are to our own personal and spiritual journeys….especially the idea that frustrations and conflict and reactivity in relationships are opportunities for growth and healing…….For Both People. Go on…. you can smile/laugh/smirk/…….. and wonder inquiringly whether I’m ‘sane’ OR __________  insert your own words. Maybe it’s…. ‘you’ve got to be kidding‘…..thinking back to the last time you had a Frustration or Fight or Feud or Flare-Up or Falling-Out….. 🙁

Reactivity and triggering and conflict can be such clinical descriptors/labels but NOT what it feels like when someone you LOVE/respect/value/care about is doing one of those F Things to/at/with you……. So when I say conflict in relationships are opportunities for growth and healing people frequently do wonder and think…… whether I do know what I am talking about….and think that I’m just being too ‘fluffy’ and airy fairy….or___________ Go on some of you need to own up here! 🙂

But after some doubting they get it that I am serious and committed about this and they become curious……..”So you’re saying both people will end up getting their different needs met!!…… OK then.  How then?………” they say challengingly…..







And YES it is going to take a lot of explaining how two people who usually are LOVE-ing and accepting of each other have become instant enemies…..which is what happens when the frustrations and reactivity are intense….. Those same two people are now at opposite poles or like they are on different planets ….you know it’s like ‘all hell has broken loose’ or it’s that freezing coldness or the feeling of walking on eggshells and explosions – like in the land-mine post….

But people are intrigued and are willing to do what it takes to learn what feels like A Secret Formula and to practice it!……..Well this has been my experience with those people willing to do whatever it takes to create LOVE and happiness in their lives and it is my fantasy :)……Vision…….Mission…..Passion…….that one day everyone will understand and think and act this way….that being educated about how to be a LOVE-ing conscious partner/parent/friend and how to be in respecting valuing partnerships in all areas of their lives will be as commonplace as bottled water or iPhones! Wow what a Vision! And a big Yes – this work applies in all areas of your life where you are in relationship.

It’s True! Growth and healing do happen! But it makes sense you are sitting there wondering….and maybe doubting…..We don’t grow up learning conflict in our relationship is a GOOD thing!!….and learning what Dr Harville Hendrix means in his popular quote: “Conflict is growth trying to happen”……

Yet, and this is the main point to The Secret – it’s only a good thing if you have the ♥Tools and ★Skills to decode and transform conflict and complaints into NEEDS and have The Processes to follow so that both people get their different NEEDS met. These are crucial ★Life Skills we consider everyone needs to learn…..getting interested?….Would you like to have them?……♥

What happens when there is FRUSTRATION or FIGHTS or FEUDS or……..FLARE-UPS or FALLING-OUT….. 🙁  is that people are in what we call The FRUSTRATION CYCLE – in short –The F CYCLE.

The F Cycle 
– We experience ‘the Other’ not meeting our NEED
– Leads to and includes us criticising ‘the Other’
– ‘the Other’ defends
– Emotion and criticism increase
– ‘the Other’ raises defence
– The NEED is still not met – results in more Frustration and doing more of the ‘F things’ and including any of – criticizing, contempt, condescension, superiority, sarcasm, attacking, belittling, blaming, disdain, rejecting, quarreling, withdrawing, whining, whingeing and putting down…..and add any others that you or your partner does….either overtly or very often covertly….and just thinking in any of these ways is included.
– Alienation from ‘the Other’

We teach people to replace it with the NEED SATISFACTION CYCLE – in short – The NS Cycle.

We take two jam-packed days in our Communication Workshops to teach the basics that lead up to people understanding how to do this. In this post my intention is to write about – ★The F CYCLE and follow on with another post about The NS CYCLE.

Here are some important points we emphasize strongly:-

1) Doing this learning is essential to everyone who is in any relationship they value.

2) It isn’t easy to understand and really get it. There are steps to follow and basic ★Skills to learn first…. There is a sequence to follow that builds on having mastered previous steps and the ★Skills of –
Crossing the Bridge,
QTIP – Quit Taking It Personally – what ‘the Other’ says, says more about them than it does about me
SIMU – Story I Make Up – your interpretations
S-T-R-E-T-C-H-I-N-G: moving out of your comfort zone and doing behaviours that are uncomfortable, unfamiliar, unnatural and don’t feel ‘like you’

3) It isn’t easy because our brains are wired physiologically to act the ways we do now. It’s like if you are left-handed you will automatically write with your left hand.
You don’t have to think about and make a choice which hand to write with when you reach for a pen.
If you protect/defend by getting angry, withdrawing,______________
[insert your automatic style]
you don’t have to think about and make a choice which way to protect/defend. You just do it automatically when your ‘old brain’ registers danger.

4) The way you automatically protect/defend when you are in ★The F Cycle is the way you learnt how to do it as a child in the face of experiences that were happening in the environment you lived in that didn’t feel safe.

5) It will feel like the ways you are acting when you are in ★The F Cycle are instinctively and intuitively ‘the right thing’ to do even though they aren’t getting you the LOVE and respect and caring and connection that you want.

6) Both people will feel inner resistance to change because such behaviours are not natural to either of you – if they were you would have them in your life. This is either for the one doing the new behaviour your partner wants from you or as the person getting what you want….Being on the receiving end of this new behaviour will feel uncomfortable for you even though it is what you desire the most. Both people will have Inner Saboteurs that will be a challenge to this process working smoothly.

7) For it to become natural and automatic in your relationships it will take a lot of repetition and practice…… like learning to play the piano or going to compete in the Olympics. You can’t just do it a little bit and expect your life to change other than a little bit. It has to become a daily way of being and practice.

8) Being coached in the beginning and where you get stuck is wise and needed by about 80% of people.

9) We can change our brains and rewire them and we can influence and make it safe for others to change in relation to us.

Did you know that the habitual avoidance of conflict is the No. 1 predictor of marriages failing and divorce?  People think that avoiding conflict will make it go away. The reasons this doesn’t work is because under all ★F Cycles there is a NEED that is unmet in the present and as well it is highly likely not met in the past. This is in relation to:

  1. Frustrations that last more than 10 minutes and/or re-occur. They are most likely linked to history – meaning it is touching on an unmet NEED
  2. We apply the 90/10 rule:
    10% is about present and what ‘the Other’ did and
    90% is about history

Conflict is inevitable and normal and is supposed to happen in relationships and there will always be frustration as there is always difference……we are all different people with different likes and dislikes and different needs and wants, different styles and tastes, different personalities, different habits and different priorities. Some of us are fast, some slow, some risk takers, some adventurous, some self-reliant, others dependent, some fragile, maybe spiritual, maybe sporty, some competitive, others methodical, others ‘scatty’, some reserved, some quiet, others extroverted, outgoing, some expressive and feeling, others logical and rational and so on… It takes many types to make up our world!….And because we are different people there are going to be plenty of things we don’t like and disagree with about the people around us.

This is a lot to take in….my wish is that you are feeling stimulated by this topic and I invite you into a conversation with people around you and with me here on the blog what it brings up for you…… Be gentle and kind to yourself around your ★F Cycles. Small steps are important.

Please pass on and circulate and share this post and information as these are crucial ★Life Skills everyone needs to learn. Healthy relationships are the foundation of a healthy society and a peaceful world.

 May All LOVE surround you, gratefully Susie

Dr Harville Hendrix♥

“This is a revolutionary view of relationships: rather than leaving the relationship to find yourself, you find yourself through it – being the right partner is more important than picking the right partner.”Dr Harville Hendrix♥

“Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” ~ Pema Chödrön♥

“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” ~ Anthony Robbins