DAILY LOVE TIP – Monday August 15, 2011

LOVE is a topic that is greatly misunderstood and there are many MYTHS out there in our culture with regard to relationships and relationship education so I thought I would spend some time naming some common misperceptions that people have. Do check out as you read whether you believe any of these to be true. Please comment and share what you think about the points that I make – and I am especially interested to hear views to the contrary…..as well as other myths that you know of that destroy relationships…..

 I was searching for some images for this topic and came across 10 DEADLY HEALTH MYTHS which I thought very descriptive and appropriate so I am going to adopt it and write about 10 DEADLY RELATIONSHIP MYTHS – please note these aren’t in order of importance.

Why deadly♥ We need to get real – we have around a 50% divorce rate for 1st marriages. A very ‘unhealthy’ figure – this means statistically every second adult you meet will have suffered the pain of divorce – not to mention the children involved – and they don’t get to make a choice about whether their parents’ divorce or not.

If you believe these myths your relationship doesn’t stand much chance of staying alive.

 {Why didn’t anyone tell me this♥ Photo credit: myelisa.com}

MYTH #1 Finding a new partner will solve things! The divorce rate for second marriages is HIGHER at about 60+%. People obviously aren’t learning from their first marriages You WILL repeat the same mistakes if you don’t learn how to do things differently. And if the relationship/marriage started in an affair there is only about a 5% success rate!!!

MYTH #2If you fight and argue and have conflict about things and he/she says or does things that are hurtful/disrespectful/uncaring….etc to you that means they don’t love you anymore so it means you aren’t meant to be together. We teach conflict is inevitable and normal and in fact is a good thing if you know how to work with it. Did you know that within all negativity – criticisms, frustrations, arguments and conflicts are the seeds and potential for deep change, growth and healing for both people♥ Couples learn how to transform frustrations into needs and how to get those needs met and strengthen their bond in doing so…… “Conflict is growth trying to happen

MYTH #3  There is something wrong with your marriage and that it is in dire trouble and at risk if you do marriage/relationship education. I wrote about this in my July 3rd postI have a Dream……and my heart aches 🙁 …….
Question for you: Do you believe that and/or have you had a talk and checked out whether your partner has that false belief♥

MYTH #4 that we should know how to do relationships and if we just work harder it will change. We teach people to work “smarter” not harder and that EVERYONE needs to learn how to behave in different, more “smart” ways. Doing what you already know how to do will only get you more of what you have already got……it doesn’t matter how hard you work! To get something different you have to do something different. Learning concrete relationship and communication TOOLS, skills and practical strategies is something everyone needs to be taught.

MYTH #5: it takes ‘2 to tango’ and if one person doesn’t want to do the work nothing will change in a relationship. Not true! – When there is conflict what is going on between two people is what we call ‘a cycle of reactivity’. We need to see the CYCLE as the problem and not the other person.

Ask yourself: When you feel disconnected or are triggered and reactive what is your main default position – your main move♥ Look at the negative bond you are stuck in. What do you each do to pull the other into the cycle♥

Fill in the following:
The more I______________, the more you ______________and then the more I______________and round and round we go in this __________________(your name for this cycle)

MYTH #6: Generally men think they have to be dying or that there has to be major crisis  for them to seek assistance. They think they should fix their own problems and that it isn’t OK, and generally that it is a sign of weakness to ask for help. This is true for some women as well.

MYTH #7: Men don’t want to do this work and they won’t talk about what they are feeling and what is happening for them. Not true! Men want to be listened to and heard. If women listen and truly cross the bridge into their world they speak.

FACT: Generally 60 – 70% of men are “dragged along” to our workshops under threat of divorce/separation. Yet the repeated comment we hear from the men at the end of the workshop is how sad they are to realize how much damage and pain could have been avoided if they had the knowledge and skills years earlier. Again and again we hear comments like: “It is quite amazing how simple things are when we have the right tools.” Once they do it generally men are as pleased and excited about this work as the women and both men and women like it.

MYTH #8: that happily ever after…… isn’t possible and doesn’t happen. Many couples don’t have experience of healthy, happy long-term relationships. We are creating a Register of happy and successful long-term relationships and request those of you doing this to write and tell your story so we can show people they do exist and are definitely possible!

MYTH #9: The romantic stage is what love is really about. We teach that all relationships go through predictable stages and however glorious it may feel the heady  infatuation/romantic stage is followed by the “Power Struggle” and it is meant to happen……  

MYTH #10:Picking the right partner” is more important than “being the right partner”. The difficulties we experience in relationship arise from our lack of awareness about what we’re doing in our relationships, not from our choice of partners. When you remain unaware of the hidden agenda of love and conflict, you will keep making the same mistakes. Marriage/committed relationships are an “inside job”.

This is a revolutionary view of relationships:
rather than leaving it to find yourself, you find yourself through it – being
the right partner is more important than picking the right partner.”
~Dr. Harville Hendrix

Today’s Addition to my list of My ♥favourite things….. cuddles

Enjoy discovering and growing this week, LOVE Susie

 “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world” ~ Nelson Mandela.